IF you are going out for a jam packed night of craziness in Pattaya, you must prepare for your adventure by having all of the tools of the trade ready to go. In case you didn’t already figure it out, this is going to be a very silly article.
1) Pez dispenser full of Viagra - check
I have no children so there is no chance of a horrifying accident with said Pez dispenser.
I lied, the Pez dispenser is actually filled with Kamagra. Sorry I’m not on a pension so I don't use Viagra.
2) Condoms and KY – check
This eliminates the chance of me forgetting to buy them, or intentionally forgetting to buy them when drunk.
This also means I won’t get stuck with the standard Thai man size 52 condom they sell at some pharmacies; which are only good if you’re going for the distinguished look since it makes it look like your penis is wearing a hat.
3) Gum/ breath mints – check
They’re not so much for me as they are for the girl(s) I am bound to meet who eat spicey Thai food filled with garlic and onions on every break.
I’ll need them too; it’s a safe bet that I will eat something grotesque when I have my drunken munchies’ cravings.
4) My cell phone - check
The goal of the night has to be not to lose or destroy my cell phone or to drop it in the toilet, again.
When I wake up in the morning there will be new entries in my contacts list of: Noy 1, Noy 2, Noy 3, big boobs girl, small boobs girl, and of course…”can’t understand her.”
5) “Hang” in the refrigerator – check
If you don’t know, now you know. This awful tasting drink called, HANG, is available at 7-11 and Family Mart, and it actually does give some hang over relief for the morning after. But if I don’t already have it, there’s just about no way I’d walk in the hot sun over to the store to get it in peak hangover pain.
6) “Water in the refrigerator/ Advil on my dresser – check
More of a continuation of hangover prep work, there’s just no point in not facing the inevitable. I will drink too much, and I will be sick in the A.M. Some envision hangovers in Thailand being a non-issue since you can laugh them off on a beautiful beach. That’s not the way it works though; what actually happens is you wake up and the sun is incredibly glaring and it’s unbelievably hot and humid outside. You try to get your AC to cool you down, but instead it only goes from WAY TOO HOT to WAY TOO COLD as you break out into hot and cold sweats a side order of the shakes. Thailand is the first place I’ve had to wear sunglasses inside; there’s almost no escaping the sun in this country.
7) A wallet very carefully filled – check
So I have learned my lesson enough times to where I actually have two wallets now, one with my bank cards, a color copy of my passport, a backup key for my place, important business cards, members cards, and cash, And a 2nd wallet with only a black and white copy of my passport. On nights where I go out this is the one I take out of my drawer, and I fill it up with only as much money as I’m willing to spend for that night. See Pattaya is a magical place; no matter how much cash you bring out with you on a particular night, you will wake up the next morning with 0. That’s some magic trick isn’t it? This could be due to me spending like a total moron when trashed, or it could be that every now and then some women have taken whatever money was in my wallet with them on their way out as their “tip” while I’m basically in a coma that Godzilla couldn’t wake me up from. Either way, I only bring what I’m willing to lose.
8) A plan – check
I leave my place with a mapped out itinerary of what I will get into for the night. I have a place in mind, and even a girl in mind that I always wanted to hang out with.
9) A backup plan – check
Since there is almost no chance that my initial plan will work out the way I want it to I must have a backup plan. The hot girl I remember will probably be barfined by 8PM, and that’s impressive since the Gogo she works at doesn’t open until 9PM. That’s just how it works for the hot ones; they actually get barfined before guys even have the chance to get drunk; it’s amazing. You know a girl is a superstar if sober guys buy her out. So I must have a backup girl in mind who will be much more impenetrable to the early night bar fine; stretch marks or c-section scars are a must.
10) Hotel room - check
This is how I do it; that’s right I actually get a hotel room BEFORE I go out. I have it all ready for the party for two I will have later that night or party of three if it’s a truly special occasion like: my birthday, New Years or the anniversary of when my ex and I split. Having the hotel beforehand really streamlines things later in the night!
There you have it; that is my weaponry for battle. I’m like a pervert version of Rambo.